This is Star Magazine’s cover this week: “Personal Assistants Tell All: Outrageous Celebrity Demands!” I actually love these kinds of covers, because it’s always a hodge-podge of stuff that I am willing to believe and stuff that I actually find offensive. My coverage is by no means comprehensive, I’m just going to do highlights from some of my favorite bits. Here we go!
Kim Kardashian. Not only does Kim get secret lipo, but she secretly squirrels away her lipo’d fat deposits. It’s called “lipobanking” and Kim has a lot of lipobanked fat saved for a rainy day, to be injected into her butt or her face. Kim even had her own private lipobank facility built!
Taylor Swift. Tay-Tay will only be around pretty people. Taylor’s ego “is so huge that really believes she’s above average-looking people. She surrounds herself with models and always makes sure that they’re in the background, like beautiful wallpaper or something.” She makes one exception, for Lena Dunham, because Lena is “so successful in her own right.”
Jennifer Aniston. She hates to sweat and absolutely refuses to ever be sweaty, so she makes her assistants carry fans at all times and often hold fans in front of her. She also has assistants press ice cubes against her forehead all the time.
Jamie Dornan. His hobby? Needlepoint. He loves to whip out his tapestry and “get to work” on planes or when he’s at home.
Brad Pitt. He draws little poop doodles on everything.
Angelina Jolie. She forces her assistants to see all of her films, especially the ones that bombed, and give her positive feedback.
Justin Bieber. He’s been known to sleep with his personal staff, even with his maids.
Matthew McConaughey. He sends his assistants out to find the best restaurants in whatever city he’s in because he gets “turned on” by food. Sometimes he’ll just sit in a restaurant, staring at plates of food and talking dirty to the food.
Julia Roberts. She holds on to her old costumes and she especially loves the Pretty Woman hooker ensemble, which she’ll “put on for Danny” once a year or so. She even let her niece Emma Roberts borrow the costume “then snickered about how Emma just didn’t have the body to fill it out.”
Lady Gaga. Gaga expects her assistants to be on call 24-7, and she expects them to do everything for her. She called up one assistant in the middle of the night to change DVDs, because Gaga was too lazy to walk across the room and change it herself.
Mila Kunis. She’s paranoid that Ashton Kutcher is going to bang the nanny, so she sets up complicated rules about who can be “alone” with Ashton.
Jessica Simpson. She rarely pays her bar tabs. Apparently, she’s constantly walking out on bar and restaurant bills because she feels like she should always be comped.
Selena Gomez. She’s a really, really messy slob. She can turn a hotel room into a disaster area in less than 24 hours.
Christina Aguilera. She likes to pull out her extensions and leave them all over the place, in bathrooms, restaurants, cars, wherever. Her assistants are expected to “collect them” in case she wants to use them again. Gross.
Jennifer Lawrence. She loves to serve cocktails and she’s always mixing up her own drinks. Her dream is to open up a bar in LA.
Christian Bale. He has the tendency to lecture his young, female assistants until they’re crying. He also ordered one of his assistants to kill a fan with a screwdriver?
Elton John. He’s really lazy, and he loves to be pushed around in a wheelchair.
Scarlett Johansson. She’s lovely to nearly everyone… except her mom. ScarJo and her mom get into huge fights on a regular basis. She also hooked up with a crew guy whose mic happened to be hot, so everyone on the crew heard them.
[From Star Magazine, print edition]
I think I’ve found the title to my memoir: Like Beautiful Wallpaper. Or maybe that should be Karlie Kloss’s memoir! Some of my favorites? Jamie Dornan needlepointing, Kim Kardashian’s lipobanking, and ScarJo fighting with her mom. It’s good that Scarlett has at least one person in her life who can turn her into a rage-monster. And she’s “just like us” – every woman fights with their mother.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
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